I have no idea what to title this.

Mar 28, 2012

I've started this post three times now.
I can't seem to get it to suit what I'm trying to convey, and I think part of it is the fact that I was trying to be cutesy but still honest, not trying to be like all the other bloggers, while still trying to say 'hey guys, I have something to tell you.' So I'm gonna stop trying so hard and just be honest.

Hey guys, I have something to tell you. And I'm both proud to share and very very very nervous about being so vulnerable.

Guys, I'm changing my life.
Wow, that seems lame.
But it's the honest truth. I'm making some major changes in how I live my life, how I fuel my body, and what I do with it.

Here's where I get even more honest. After I moved to Eugene I started PACKING ON THE POUNDS. Part of it was being lonely, part of it was work stress/scheduling, part was a severe lack of exercise, part of it was eating my feelings ... and then I started dating an incredible, INCREDIBLE I tell you, cook and I love to eat. So I easily packed on 50+ pounds.

The worst part? I hadn't really noticed until about a year ago. I saw some photos from a family vacation and thought, "Wow. That's what I look like?" Now granted it was 100+ degrees and I was sweaty so I wasn't lookin pretty to begin with, but that wasn't the part that struck me.

[It just took a LOT of strength for me to share that picture, but it's all part of holding myself accountable.]

I had a belly. And not the one I was used to seeing -- one much bigger than I remembered. I had realized I'd gained some weight, but I wasn't really prepared for the reality of what I was doing to my body. The worst part? I let it continue. I let it continue out of convenience, laziness, apathy, and denial. I didn't even try to change.

But not any more. 
I hit my limit. Now I'm making conscious changes, educating myself about how to live a healthier life (this is not a diet, it's a change in perspective), and implementing it.

I've done it before, and I'm gonna do it this time. I'm not going to fool myself into thinking everything's going to change overnight. (I know it won't. It didn't last time.) It's coming little by little. And sometimes a sincere battle. It's a will to say "no," or "not that, I'll eat this healthy thing instead,." But I'm putting in an honest effort, and right now, that's all I can ask of myself. I'm not perfect, and I probably won't ever be able to cut out all the "bad foods". [I like BBQ and Mac&Cheese, y'all.] But I am improving. That's the key word. Actually, there are two: improve and moderation. And my mind really is changing. Little food thrills aren't what they were even two weeks ago. And I'm keeping a log of what's going on (it's private, at least for now) to hold myself to it. (Incentives/bets with my momma don't hurt.)

And for the first time I know what it feels like to do something like this for me. Not for anyone else.
Just for me.

But I am grateful for the support I've gotten from the people who've known about this. I'm grateful that I have a boyfriend, family, and friends that are so willing to help me make myself into whoever I want to be. And I'm grateful that they keep cheering me on. I'm also grateful they never tried to force me to do this, but let me do it how I needed to do it for myself. And that they love me thick or thin (both literally and metaphorically). That's the best part.

So I just thought I'd give ya a little insight into what's going on in my life.
I did disable comments on this post, if you have something to say--you know how to find me.

P.S. Have you seen this giveaway over at Living in Yellow? It's awesome.