what you don't see...

May 11, 2010

I've hesitated in writing this the last few days -- but I can't get it off my mind.
Inspiration here and here.

What you don't see when I post pictures of me is that it took me 30 pictures to find one I actually liked because I have a hard time seeing me in them sometimes. Or seeing the me I still want to be. That all I see are too short eyelashes, the zit on my forehead, a double chin in this one, a wrinkle in that one, or evidence of my bad hair day in the other one.

What you don't see is that when I say my life is crazy are the times I hide in my office bathroom sobbing because I'm not quite sure what to do with my life or how to deal.

What you don't see when I post adorable stories about my boyfriend are the worries I have that I'm the worst girlfriend in the world, how I worry that we're the only couple whose ever argued {especially over something stupid), how I wish we could just runaway for a little bit to spend work-free time together, or the nights I fall asleep in his sweatshirt because I'm lonely.

What you don't see when I post about a new jacket, or haircut, or something is the fear I have afterward that I made a bad decision in spending that much money on something because I make so little doing something I was supposed to love. How my doctor's bills give me a full fledged panic attack.

On my blog I told you my brother visited, I didn't tell you it was because I couldn't get any time off.
I told you I was homesick, I didn't tell you how sometimes I miss my family so much my heart actually aches.
I told you I had weekend plans with friends, I didn't tell you I'm often really lonely.
I told you I stayed at home for some alone time, I didn't say it was to do chores, or because my anxiety gets the best of me a lot lately and leaves me crippled in my bed.
I told you I got a cute new bookcase, but I didn't tell you I had to maneuver it through piles of laundry that have been there for weeks. {yes, weeks.}

There are times I look at other people's worlds thinking, wow, she/they really have their act together. They never fight, their house is always spotless, she's instantly trim and fit, she's so fashionable, she buys all the best shoes/clothes or takes the best trips, and I sigh thinking about how shabby my life is in comparisson.

What I need to remind myself is there probably are arguments, frustrations and even fights. There probably are dirty dishes in the sink sometimes or laundry yet to be folded. There probably are times she goes to work out, or doesn't eat something that she really wants to -- because she, too, is self-conscious of her figure. And there are (even more likely) times she scrimps, saves, or works overtime to afford the nice things, the trips, the retail therapy.

I need to remember there are always things we don't see -- and that though I see my faults, my lacks, my problems in GLARING light -- she probably sees hers that way, too.


  1. I want to give you a big hug.

    This is powerful. I think it's way too easy, especially in this blog world, to compare ourselves to everyone else. It's a constant struggle sometimes, at least for me, to not feel down on myself because I really don't have it all together. But who really does?

    I'm here for you, lady! Always.

  2. I wrote a post awhile back when I was really upset about not having money / not being able to find a job / how it was stressful on my marriage / etc. And how hard it was because I read other blogs and all I read about is how wonderful everyone else's life is.

    I think sometimes to us the grass does seem greener. And it's hard not to compare. But remember, you don't see what goes on behind closed doors. And we all have our hard things to deal with.

    Reading this I feel my heart go out to you because something I feel the exact same way. But remember: you have a boyfriend who loves you, a family that loves you and that alone is more than some people have.

    And when you need to let it out, we're here to listen. Or, well, read.

  3. You're awesome, and you're totally real!

    I may have gone on an amazing trip...but my house is ALWAYS dirty, I rarely wear make-up, my haircut is so awful right now, I eat whatever I want and am gaining way too much weight, and my sister looks like a Barbie doll. I feel ya!

  4. i'm working on my documentary about prescription drug abuse and the people i've interviewed say the same things ( : but seriously...no one's life is perfect (despite what it looks like) but you are AWESOME so don't forget that.

    was that a nice comment? it was meant to be supportive and positive. i'm not comparing you to my rehab friends...just saying that their outlook is sometimes everyone's outlook...but it's because our perception of life is crazy. and that's why we're human. the end.

  5. Oh, Siovhan! You said it all perfectly. I can completely relate to this. I'm certain everyone can. I love you!

  6. This is one of the most powerful thing I've ever read from you -- so good and so true! I relate to this 100% because I CONSTANTLY compare myself to people and get hurt doing so. I guess I would say... what others don't see behind the fact that I eat cake/cookies every day + my meals are twice the size of my husband's (who weighs twice as me) and I'm a size 0 is the fact that my stress eats me inside out and literally burns calories off of me, and my anxiety leaves me crippled, like you said, all too often. I probably have a hole in my stomach from how I stress myself out. And I'm often in the cubicle bathroom at work doing the same thing as you... in fact, over the weekend, I walked in on a co-worker doing the same thing... and I felt like the sky fell on me because I wanted to reach out and help so much, but somehow I couldn't.

    I wish people would feel more okay about sharing the not-so-good, too, because that would mean that they don't feel alone through their not-so-good moments. I am always here for you -- hope you'll take me up on it sometime :)

  7. This is so true and very brave of you post it. Well done girl and I hope all of our silly blogs brings a bit of light to all of those very real moments of life.

  8. What a powerful piece Miss Siovhan! I hear you completely. It's really easy to see your faults and see everyone else doing much better than you. But really, we all have something we're ashamed to admit, or that we're afraid to say out loud. My big one, is that behind that giant laugh of mine, I'm lonely all the time. My friends are all over the country, and the few that are here are hard to reach because life gets in the way. It's hard to get over and put a smile on my face when I feel that lonely. But then I remember I have people like you in my life, and it makes things ok. Not always, but most of the time. Keep your chin up my love, you're an amazing person and you'll pull through. Love your guts!

  9. I know this was you pouring your heart out and I feel funny saying so, but I enjoyed reading it because it was well written.

    Chin up hun, tomorrow's another day. And believe me, I can identify.


  10. I know exactly how you feel... Well maybe not exactly, because we are two different people. But I know where you are coming from.

  11. Lady, this post is incredible because we can ALL relate! Seriously, sometimes when I read blogs, I wonder if these lovely ladies EVER have a bad day - or a bad hair day for that matter! I think it takes a lot of courage to share these thoughts and feelings and I wish more bloggers did what you just did. Amazing.

  12. I can so relate! Espesh with the first one. I don't know how people can take the cutest pics all the time with no shame. I am my worst critic and it sucks.

  13. Ummmmm, you are awesome because...you are beautiful, you are an amazing girlfriend because he loves you and you have a kind soul. Remember that lady!

  14. Hey sweets :) Hope today was a good day for you !

    I have a little something for you on my blog today .. so make sure you drop by when you have a minute :)


  15. It's funny, beacause I think we all do the same thing. I look at your blog and envy the closeness of your family and how much you all love each other. I don't really have that. But there are things that I have and do that others may wish that they had or did. Life isn't about comparison. I really needed to hear this. Thanks lady. And P.S. Legit come down for the Something Corporate show. It would be a blast! :)


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