the one where i get raw...

Jan 19, 2010

Life is real.
And I know I've said it in the past, and I'll surely say it again, but sometimes {grown-up} life is an angry hooker with ugly shoes and bad lipstick.

There are days you wonder why you didn't just stay in bed.
It woulda been so much easier if you'd just slept through that day -- and not bothered.

Now, I'd love to be the girl who's positive and can spin any situation into something wonderful.
I'd love to be a little of the old me who smiled through the bad days and figured them out ... sans tears.

But that's just not true anymore.
And, like a wise man told me today, it's just not real. It's not reality to think that on the really bad days -- you're gonna be little miss sunshine and roses.

Today is that day.
The worst part is that it's certainly not even just a one event horrible day ... it's one where one thing happens, then another and then another. And by the end of the day, you're crying in your bed wondering what in the world you were thinking when you woke up that morning.

The day your hair's too greasy and flat, your dress doesn't fit right, your tights rip so you have to find another pair, you're late to work, your license plate goes missing, and you can't find your registration to go get another, your out of checks to even be able to write one to the DMV, you get loads of doctors bills -- and nearly next to nothing in your paycheck, you get angry, you get sullen, you get coarse. People suddenly become a more amplified annoying version of themselves. You let the little things, the things you swore you weren't going to freak out over ... freak you out. You clench your jaw. You cry. You stop. You check yourself...and then you cry some more.

You have a look that's somewhere between near-tears and wants-to-scream-your-face-off for so long ... you rule yourself a menace and decide to seclude yourself. Which doesn't pay off in anything more than a lot of trying to fix the situation, desiring to fix the situation, thinking, worrying, throwing up, and that once again culminates again in crying.

You become such a miserable mess that you eventually end up being a total wench face to the ONE person who truly doesn't deserve it. Ugh. You rule yourself a horrid person. And cry.

The day that this quote runs through your head over and over....
"I'm ugly and awkward and I always say the wrong things. ... I love our home, but I'm just so fitful and I can't stand being here! I'm sorry, I'm sorry Marmee. There's just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I - I can't. And I just know I'll never fit in anywhere."
until you realize you feel this way ... to a degree you've never before felt.
Like you don't fit. And you don't know how you ever will.

Days like this...
days like today...
they suck.

I may not get out of bed tomorrow.
Or perhaps, I'll move to Australia.