unflinchingly honest.

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i am in a funk.

a blog funk, a scheduling funk, a serious lack of money funk, a clothing funk, a weight funk, a dirty bedroom funk, a hair funk, a life funk, a funk funk.
{despite my good hair day today. seriously, looks good.}

i'm not one to dwell on the negative.
i never have been.
i stew a little and then as quickly as the negative nancy began -- the sunshiney me returns.

but not lately.
and that kills me.
there have been times i stew for ridiculous periods of time.
and then keep moping.
i don't know how to fix it.
{and the funniest part is as soon as i am at home, by myself, in my sweats...i feel less stewy. less icky.}

honestly, there are times i barely know the person i am now.
i look in the mirror and see someone i know but only to a degree.
but not the same old me.
and some of that is okay.
learning and growing changes a person, heck, life changes a person.
but some of it is just weird and awkward to me.
but sometimes i see lots of old me--and ache for her to be all of me again.

honestly, grown up life sucks.
i know i've said it before -- but i really mean it.
being a grown up is killing my soul.
401(k)s, bills, checking accounts, credit checks, medical bills, salaries (or lack thereof) ... all things i hate dealing with that grown ups are forced to deal with.
bah. i'll even add a humbug to that.
bah frickin humbug.

honestly, i worry a lot about money.
all. the. time.
it may not seem like that ... but it's because i plan.
i plan alllllll of it. i hate calling it budgeting -- because mine's not quite as rigid. but, essentially, it is the same thing.
honestly, though, i make barely more now than i did DURING COLLEGE.
now, i know this is my first job {and supposed to be my passion} but still.
it seems like such low pay for a job that requires so much.

honestly, i've gained so much weight since i started this job.
i know some of it is the fact that i'm not hiking my sorry rear end up the RB stairs multiple times a day.
but some of it is that i've begun to be a stress eater.
and part of me thinks it's my thyroid. because i haven't been eating any more than i have before and somehow my weight fluctuates a lot. and i'm tired. and i bruise. and i ache.
i've never been the tiniest girl (i was blessed to be "really well endowed" in the.. ahem.. region. seriously. whoa girls. they alone won't let me be tiny.) but i was never "big".
i'm still not. 
but i'm bigger than i used to be/want to be.
i just need to find a regimen that sticks. one i like. and one i that will help.
i will take suggestions.
{a serious part is how mentally/physically/emotionally exhausted i am when i get off work. i know, excuses, excuses.}

honestly, i would love to be as honest as liz, kristen, gabby, lilu, and mayra (and many more -- i.e. most of YOU) are on their blogs.
but even more honestly...i'm scared to be. i hate the backlash.
i hate when people use what i put here against me. in a horrible way.
i do't want to open myself up to just get hurt. 
now, i understand this is a public space (kinda) and that when i place something on here, i do open it up to a certain amount of scrutiny and potential harm.
but guess what? it's MY spot. MY blog.
if you don't like what i write DON'T READ IT.
if you don't like ME ... DON'T READ IT!
don't assume this is all about you, or about someone you know, or about your best friend's former boyfriend's cat trainer's cousin and then try to create drama for me.
it's not worth it. 
not worth it for me. for you. for anyone involved. so let's play nice.
honestly -- if you're nice to me, i'm going to be nice to you.
so even more honestly...i think i'm goin to stop caring.
if you're creating drama for me you don't know me or deserve me.
so get to steppin.

honestly my boyfriend, man friend, hot dude that snuggles with me...is awesome.
one day, i'll introduce you.
but honestly, i've been hurt so many times before -- and with him, i don't worry about that.
the thought of not having him around kills me.
which i think is a good thing. because it means i'm beginning to trust again.
and there's no one better to trust.
and he makes my life happy. he is one of my happiest thoughts. 

honestly, reading your blogs have made me so happy these last couple days/weeks.
i love you all.
i know it sounds corny and cliche and trite -- but they make me so happy, and make me laugh, and make me excited that we are friends.
not blog friends, but REAL friends.
i hope you feel that way about me, too. we are real friends. i love you.
HONESTLY.
{that's a lot of honesty.}

have a happy friday. 
the happiest. 
i know i'm gonna try my darndest to.
{it helps that i'm wearing a hott dress to a funnnnn party!!}

xoxo.

16 comments

  1. I hate funks!!
    They suck and sometimes they feel impossible to dig your way out of.
    Don't fret my dear soon everything will look up.

    And yes, having good hair helps.

    =)

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  2. "{it helps that i'm wearing a hott dress to a funnnnn party!!}"

    SO AM I!!! And I can't wait. ;-)

    I love that you listed me for honesty... I don't think I could be considered anything else. BUT we all open up on our own time and our own terms. You gotta do you, babe. And I like the way you do it. <3

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  3. I'm so sorry you are having a rough day. Who is this bitch thats telling you how to run your own blog? Tell her / him to step the eff up off or Klaw will be all over their ass. This is YOUR outlet. No one elses. Eff the hatas!

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  4. Aw lady, I'd give you a big hug if I could! Just take it one day at a time. I think we all get into funks like this but you seem to be such a good, positive person - you'll get through it! Just surround yourself with positive people, do good things for yourself and it'll turn around!

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  5. wow..! so much for being scared to be honest! great great post and boo to those who use your blog against you! just like you said...it's your blog and you'll exactly what you want with it!
    happy friday to you too!

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  6. I love you! It makes me sad that you're in a funk! Wish you were here so we could play!

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  7. i hope you have a happy friday too! don't worry about what other people say.

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  8. fyi...you are beautiful + awesome.

    dont forget that.

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  9. I have been more mindful of the hormones they pump into food. I quite honestly think it is messing with so many people's systems...

    im in a funk too! oh life..

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  10. Big hugs. And kisses. And you're pretty.

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  11. It's called the first-real-job funk, but it actually can last for the first few real jobs (depending on the career--I think it's a broadcast/communications thing). Much is ALWAYS required without much pay back in return (at first).

    Hang in there. You've always been one awesome Chicka and you still are, funk or no funk. The grown-upness just means you've now crossed the threshold and can officially become a YW's leader because you so don't identify with the super silliousness of teens and/or very young (naive) adults. It's a good real, hard real, would-do-it-again real kind of life. Just keep your humor, cheer and ability to give a deep-gut chuckle and you'll go far...

    BTW, some of our news stations here SUCK! So when you gonna move and kick their kiesters into motion and make them passable and great?!? :)

    ILY, your favoritist youngest auntie!

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  12. Oh Siovhan... I know exactly how you feel! I've been in this funk for like a year and a half now! Our jobs are super stressful, we get paid zilch and it totally affects the other parts of our lives. I've definitely become a major stress eater and couch potato (when I'm not working, anyway). It seems like the only way to escape everything, doesn't it? Anyway.. just wanted you to know you're not alone. If you ever want to call and vent.. call me! I'm up all night.

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  13. Amen sister. I have been feeling this exact way. It's so rough. We can overcome it.

    P.S. I'm at work now and after reading this, really want to go home and put my sweats on. Ya...

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  14. Get out of your funk! Thanks for that last part. It was nice to read. I hope you are doing well.

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  15. i'm sorry i didn't get to this post until now and i'm so sorry you're in a funk.

    i think you're being very honest in this post. i'm kind of a tough cookie. i expect backlash and wait for it so i can attack with words...i'm good at that. not alot of people would admit it but i do. luckily i haven't had any...

    that being said, i can't believe someone would say something negative about you. you've been so sweet and caring on here...WTF is wrong with them?!

    hopefully, they'll see just how loved you are on here and don't you worry you're pretty little self, we ALL have your back :)

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  16. Those that love you would never fault you for your honesty. Hang in there lady! Funks happen to the best of us. As far as exercise goes. That always helps me out of a funk. I love the 30 Day Shred!

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