I have a heart that will never be tame....

Date and Time: Tuesday, January 29th, 2008...8:31 at night
Soundage: how to save a life--the fray
Action: homework avoidance
Reaction: one tree hill watchfest

it was one giant realization the other night when someone finally vocalized what i'd feared. "you have to raise up and regain control!!!"

and it might be true. i have pages and pages of these words doodled across them as a solidified reminder.

And my heavy heart sinks
deep down under you and
Your t w i s t e d words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

and yet i choose not to listen to them. apparently i can stand up for everyone around me but not myself. this is not siovhan. it never has been. i used to have fits because my mom let people walk all over her...and now i am that thing which i hate.

then came these words:

Why'd ya have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you. Must you make me laugh so much ? It's bad enought we get along so well. Say goodnight and go...One of these days, you'll miss your train and come stay with me. We'll have drinks and talk about things, any excuse to stay awake with you . You'll sleep here, I'll sleep there, but then the heating may be down again at my convenience. We'd be good. We'd be great together.

i just don't quite understand. and i don't quite know what to do. and i'm starting to think that that might be my answer. that maybe your idea was the right one all along (for once). and that it might be one of the better solutions no matter just how much it may hurt. no matter how much one part of me wants to cling on tighter and tighter every day. no matter how much i want to push you away. no matter how badly i just want you to hold me. no matter that you're the one person who probably shouldn't. no matter how much i want to scream and laugh and cry and hide and rave and rant and collapse. no matter.
NO MATTER.

2 comments

  1. Lo siento chica. I do love Imogen heap, she knows.

    But as far as our joint Journey love, I think somehow subconsciously as we were 4-year-olds we knew that we would both grow up to love Journey, so we played in the sandbox. We do really need to play sometime. I know we are both super busy but maybe lunch sometime? MWF is better for me.

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  2. dearie how is life.. are you okay?

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