SOUNDAGE: louis armstrong--serendipity opening song
ACTION: gray cubicle
REACTION: homework avoidance and secret movies (john cries when he sees sarah!!).
my mind is whirling with thoughts. i've never felt this stupid and this wonderful all at the same time. i'm sick to my stomach and giddy as can be. mom says there's opposition in all things and that's why things are the way they are right now.
i trusted you. i always have. completely. i never thought you'd give me reason not to. boy was i wrong. not only did you lie...but it was continual. you never cared. you pulled the same stunt twice. but the one problem you've hit is that i've always been slightly more clever than estimated. (not to mention i have friends who have always, and will always, have my back.) i may have been gullible in the past. i may have given you the benefit of the doubt, but that only works til i've been proven wrong. at this point you are one of my only real regrets. you make me feel so cheap. so used. and it's not fair to me. i was really willing to give you a chance. to care for you. to let you in. i was willing to give up what i knew i deserved to take a chance on something i thought would be different. and you took that, ran with it, and then threw it all back in my face. and that, my "friend" is no fair to me. and yet, you continue to think things will remain semi-the same...and i continue to berate myself for being stupid and feeling this way. for letting you make me feel this way. and that sucks. a lot.
on the other hand...you are his polar opposite. you are what i deserve. you are what i have always wanted. all of it. the complete package. this weekend displayed that more than anything else. you, unknowingly, were just what i needed just because of who you are. you look at me that way. like i'm the singularly best thing you've ever seen. like you actually care about what is coming out of my mouth, going on in my head, in my heart. you smile when i walk into the room. you make me smile when you walk in the room. you notice me. you notice little things about me (like my addiction to diet coke). you know my predictable nature--and appreciate it. you're everything i could ever ask for and i was almost stupid enough to really screw that up. i was almost stupid enough to give up. something i wouldn't do for the life of me after this week. you are what i want, need, and deserve. you are what i expect.
***three weeks to go. three weeks til home and (finally) a get away. three weeks til sledding in my front yard, gingerbread houses, TREES (sans foliage, sadly). three weeks til "out of your element" adventures, til patch and boston, til belmont boys are no longer the boys from the other stake...but friends that come to visit. three weeks til reading time, and breathing time, and humid cold weather. til two christmas trees and my piano and that glorious chair. three weeks til queen sized beds just big enough for sisters. til my suitcase becomes commonplace on miki's bedroom floor. til the air hockey rematch of the century and comfortable friends reunite. til ice skating in boston commons and long drives to look at marvelous christmas lights. til the christmas house makes my heart all warm and fuzzy.
til then...........papers, and projects, and reading, and research, and energy drinks for friday mornings, and finals and monthy reports...and that wonderful boy.